NEWSmakers: baby bumps and golden globes

Halle, Nicole, JLO and…… Jessica Alba

Yup, People Magazine is reporting that Ms. Alba and on-and-of boyfriend Cash Warren (wait, who???) are expecting. Reactions are mixed. For me its disappointment that she spilled the beans before we could even start gossiping about how fat she’s getting. I mean, water cooler talk isn’t complete without a rundown of who is with child, and who merely skipped pinkberry for a few two many double scoops. I never realized how much Christina, Nicole and Britney’s (twice!) denials meant to me. Endless thanks ladies for months of enjoyable speculation. Endless thanks.

Golden Globes vs. Writer’s Guild= Game on

Nominations have been announced for 2007′s best-of-the-best in movies and television; however the word on Robertson Blvd is that the official kickoff to awards season may not shine so bright this year. The on-going writer’s strike that has already taken from us such DVR favorites as the Office, The Daly Show, and The Colbert Report may have another victim. No writers, no awards show. The Screen Actors Guild will likely boycott the event in unison with the writer’s should it continue through January.

The strike was a big deal before, but now it’s personal. I LOVE awards shows. Here’s hoping the writer’s can negotiate a better package before we lose more than just our weekly Dwight Schrute fix! (P.S. Love him)

Britney Spears pulls one out!

Is Britney a “hot mess?” Absolutely. Does she make K-Fed look like dad of the year? Of course. Would you say she’s one of the craziest people in Hollywood? I would. There is no doubt she’d take the cake in a big famous loser contest, but I can’t help but concede that “Blackout” rocks, and the video for her new single, “Piece of Me,” is FIERCE. It quite likely involved the most extensive video touch-up budget in the history of music television, but the end result is pure Brit circa 2001 (minus the red jump suit and plus a rockin’ weave). Check it.

“I Am Legend,” legendary

The new Will Smith thriller has smashed box office records for the month of December, racking in almost 80 million dollars opening weekend. Two weeks ago he graced the cover of “Entertainment Weekly” as the fifth smartest man in Hollywood…… In other news, last week he hung out with best friend Tom Cruise, therefore knocking himself of the list smartest men in Hollywood.

Hallelujah! Carrie Bradshaw 4 Eva

I can’t wait for the spring for three really important reasons: 1. It’s my birthday, 2. I graduate from college, and 3. The long-anticipated Sex and the City movie FINALLY drops. As if that wasn’t good enough news, a 2nd and possibly 3rd SATC movie are in the works. Glorious.

Britney “Blackout” Bliss

What would you do if your husband took away your children? How would you react to a judge calling you a drug abuser and an unfit parent? What happens when your world literally crumbles around you?
Easy. Go to Carl’s Junior.

Oh to live one day as Britney Spears. You’d be high, orange, chubby, needy, and rich… Bliss.

Believe it or not this week hasn’t been too bad in the craziness that is Britney Spears’ life. She reunited with mom and sis, was given back one night of visitation with the kids, and most excitingly her single “Gimme More” spends it’s second week at #3 on the charts.

No matter how hard she tries to self-sabotage her career, I’ve got to hand it to Jive records, they’ve managed to attain a laudable comeback. “Gimme More” is Brit’s second highest charting US single EVER behind “…Baby One More Time.” It’s charting better than the genius that is/was “Toxic.” (Sigh…. High School memories).

Britney is poised to make a good showing with her fifth studio release on October 30th. “Blackout,” is FRESH, infused with 80′s pop, an electronic baseline and Timbo-esque finish. It is a fun album, reminiscent of Hillary Duff’s 2007 “Dignity,” (which is without a doubt the most underrated album of the year.)

It’s been an eventful twelve months in the life of Ms. Brit….. Divorce, shaved head, crotch shots, umbrella escapades, drug use/abuse, illegal driving, vma meltdowns, drug addiction, rehab, family drama, and partying partying partying.

Bring on the self-sabotage Britney, show us your vajayjay, glue-filled weave, and beer belly. You don’t have to be lucid to top Billboard.

I’m addicted to your freakshow life. Long life, “Blackout.”

Hey MTV: Play More Videos!

Well….. she finished.

That’s all I can say about Britney’s lackluster appearance at Sunday’s MTV Video Music Awards. It was more like a lazy walk-through in her underwear and the worst hair extensions known to man than a performance. Usually a performer bothers to lip-sync, or god forbid actually sing. Before the show, another new song leaked and it is fierce, but without some effort at the gym, hair salon, and with her psychiatrist Brit won’t even make it to her own Nov 13th release date.

Also dropping in November is the new Alicia Keys. She actually showed up for work last night bringing down the house to her single, “No One.” Another highlight came from Chris Brown’s Michael Jackson-esque routine across a sick stage made out of the audience tables. You know the VMAs suck when the best part is whats UNDER the performer’s feet. Chris, however, killed it.

The idea for this year’s awards was good. Move them to Vegas, party hard in the suites and gamble away the money from this summer’s arena tour. Let me tell you I’d have given my right pointer finger to attend JT & Timbo’s Southern Hospitality party. JT was the big man of the night. He walked away with two moonmen and closed the show that Brit barely opened with style. He even took a jab at MTV, challenging them to play more videos and less “Simpsons” (aka Ashlee and Jessica) reality shows. Ouch. Especially since the stars of “The Hills” presented him with the award. Now that’s funny. Take a cue Ms. Silverman.

Hot: JT, Timbo, Nelly Furtado, Kanye West, Chris Brown, Alicia Keys.

Not: BRITNEY, Sara Silverman, Rihanna (although she rocked out to “Shut Up and Drive” and her dress was to-die), Nicole from PCD, L’il Mama, and last but certainly not least…..the MTV VMA’s 2007.

Is Crazy back “In the Zone?”

First of all it should be stressed that one can never underestimate Britney Spears’ uncanny ability to sabotage her career.

Having said that, save major meltdown #574 the artist formerly known as Crazy is poised to have an excellent autumn. After repeated listening, “Gimme More,” is wildly contagious. I love it! It’s “In the Zone” – “Toxic” Britney reinvented. Though this is just the beginning, I have a feeling Danja and B could be the new Timbo and JT….. Ok, that’s impossible, but they could come close.

“Cold As Fire” also leaked last week, and though the chorus is a little irritating, ten points for innovation. What it lacks in lyrics it makes up for in style. (Sort of like Hilary Duff’s “Gypsy Woman“) Britney seems to have somehow developed a new dance-tastic sound in between serving her mother with papers and peeing with the door open at the OK Magazine shoot.  Anyone else assume her comeback would consist of recycled PCD material and scores of stripper poles???

One thing’s for sure, the public is hungry for the former queen of pop to regain her throne. By Friday “Gimme More” had already jumped to #80 on radio airplay. The Hot 100 will be a steeper climb, but I can see this hit-in-the-making breaking into the top ten in September.

I’m watching two key indicators on the Brit comeback. 1) She performs the single on next Sundays VMAs and doesn’t collapse on stage in her own craziness. She doesn’t even have to kill, just finish. 2) She makes some kind of amends with her family. Not Kev, I’m talking about Lynn. I feel like she needs her mama to remind her that she’s fit to perform at madison square garden, not the trailer park social.

“It’s Britney bitch.” Welcome back.

MUSICmakers

Jordin Sparks: “Tattoo” is terrific! Blake Lewis has the pizzaz but the American Idol winner has sure got pipes. The 17 year old released her debut single to radio stations yesterday and it’s simplistically catchy. Reminiscent of “Walk Away,” by Kelly Clarkson Paula Deanda, this harmless debut will likely walk-its-way to the mid-teens of the Hot 100 and stall like its musical predecessor. Love the single, but I think Jordin should go a little more country, and a little less Disney. Although God bless Disney.

Britney Spears: Mousketeer turns comeback kid??? The former queen of pop is slated to release her first single next week since 2005′s “Do Something.” “Gimme More” is up-beat and produced by Timbaland’s right hand man, Nate (Danjahandz) Hills. No word on the quality, but its unlikely even Timbo himself could help this mess. Word is she’ll be singing at the VMAs… And I use the word “sing” loosely. Lets hope she’s at least lucid. (UPDATE! I LOVE THE NEW SONG)

Amy Winehouse: She was seen walking out of a hotel with the hubby displaying bloody wrists, forehead, and ankles last Friday. Still no rehab… Call me Britney crazy but going on “vacation” isn’t going to do the job. The Caribbean may be better than rehab… But so is staying ALIVE. All American performances have been cancelled so she can “heal” on the beach.

Lance Bass: The question is, do we actually care if Lance likes/hates New York? Does it matter if he thinks the Gotham City has no style? YES. New Yorkers to Lance: YOU have no style. New York magazine adds that Lance, “was indeed the worst dancer in ‘Nsync.” Word.

Rihanna: Congratulations! If it’s true you bagged Shia LaBeouf I admit you do have excellent taste in at least one thing. Love Shia, hate Rihanna, BUT, I love Shia more than I hate Rihanna. Wasn’t “Even Stevens” the GREATEST?

Pete Doherty: Is he in jail or rehab? I can’t keep track. Either way, in a month he’ll still be on drugs, will make up/break up with Kate at least twice, and I’ll remain unable to name a single Babyshambles song.

electro-funk-soul-pop-licious

Insatiable. That’s the only way to describe my appetite for Blake Lewis music. That and undying, never-ending, and incalculable. I literally can’t get enough.

Fortunately his new album, tentatively titled “A.D.D” (Audio Day Dream), is set to drop Thanksgiving weekend. Industry hype sees it poised to turn heads and conquer charts. Blake proved his musical originality and skill in front of 30 million Americans on last spring’s American Idol 6 and we’re all hungry for more of his “electro-funk-soul-pop” sound.

Lewis told chron.com in mid-July, “I’ve got a track that’s very Erasure-sounding, a track that’s Sting-meets-Neverending Story and a track that’s very electro-poppy Depeche Mode. It’s all over the map.” Collaborators include BT, Doug E Fresh, 4th place finisher Chris Richardson, Gnarls Barkley, and Will.i.am.

On August 24th E! Online got the scoop from Arista Records. “Blake has a strong music sensibility and knows who he is and what his music should represent,” said Clive Davis, chairman and CEO of BMG Label Group, Arista’s parent. “His collaborators are all knocked out by him.”

Well all seems gravy in Blake Lewis’ world….. Almost…

Arista also mentioned the album’s producers, S*A*M & Sluggo (who?), Ryan “Alias” Tedder (A Timbaland pal= score), and Jonathan “JR” Rotem. You may know JR from his blink-and-you-missed-it stint as a Britney boy-toy and as a producer on hits for…. prepare yourself….

Rihanna and Sean Kingston!

No wonder I hate them both. They have the SAME producer.

It’s also worth noting that they share him with Kevin Federline. Rotem produced Fed-ex’s “hit” 2006 album “Playing With Fire,” and by “hit” I mean I’d rather hit myself in the face than listen to that garbage-with-a-beat.

Rottem’s work has had chart success, but there’s a precedent for bad music selling well. Have you ever thought of the “Macarana,” by Los Del Rio, and pretty much ANYTHING done by Sean Paul as great music? It’s good for a dance party but void of substance, innovation, taste, unique flavor…

I have faith that Blake’s artistic vision will ultimately prevail above even the most irritating producer’s musings. He’s too talented to be brought down by mediocrity or sell out to the “Beautiful Girl” recipe. Come November, Blake’s serving up a beat-boxing billboard breakthrough that will top the charts on its own merit.

Delicious. I know I’ll be back for seconds.

And you are?!?!?

It seems like today’s music industry is monopolized by heavy hitters. Every other song is a product of American Idol or Def Jam. Refreshingly, the following group of unknowns have hits ranging from#3 to #11 on this week’s Billboard Hot 100 chart. Today I find myself wondering, “who the hell are you??????”

Here’s what I found out:

Keri Hilson: (#3) Featured on Timbaland’s mega hit single, “The Way I Are,” this seasoned songstresss has been in the circuit since 2001, writing and singing backup for a whose-who of modern recording artists including Britney, Usher, and Diddy. Following the road paved by Ne-Yo’s songwriter transition to stardom, she’s currently recording her solo debut with Timbaland and Justin Timberlake. Lucky for her the Timba, JT, and $$$ cycle is the closest to a sure thing since Lindsay, coke, and rehab. Just like the nurses likely said as Lindsay left Promises, “We’ll definitely see her again.”

Plies: (#9) This “Shawty” artist was the original rapper on Akon and Snoop Dogg’s #1 hit “I Wanna Love You,” but lost the gig to Snoop after charges of illegal possession of a weapon hurt his reputation (but not his street cred). The charges were filed after his entourage opened random fire on the audience of a Florida show. With that kind of tendency toward violence he should go on tour with “loose-canon” Akon and we can all collectively NOT attend the show together. Proving that craziness sells (case in point, Britney Spears), Plies’ album debuted at #2 this week, selling just under 100k copies.

Hurricane Chris: (#10) 18 year old Shreveport, Louisiana native, Chris Dooley was inspired by chanting at a DJ Hollyhood Bay Bay concert into molding the phrase “A Bay Bay” into Shreveport’s version of the popular slang “fo sho.” (Somebody please explain the correlation to me…) Apparently ATL’s Collipark got it. He signed the Hurricane to J Records this year, and “A Bay Bay” the single is in the top ten on Billboard. In other news Shreveport calls popular “hyphy” or “crunk” music by the name “ratchet.” WTF?

Soulja boy: (#11) Apparently teenage rappers are the new pink. 17 year old Soulja’s “Crank That” jumped to #11 after only 5 weeks charting. Rapping since the age of 9, Soulja moved from Atlanta to Mississippi to live with his dad and kickstart his career. “I took the hood to where the money was at” he explains. Soulja perfected his sound and returned to his mom at 15 where he too was signed by Mr. Collipark, “I was like I gotta get my momma out of this right here.” He did just that. Of his first performance he says “The show was so crunk that I was worried about doing a wack show.” Ok, wack and crunk I understand. Maybe Soulja could translate for Hurricane??? A Bay Bay.

To recap: Timbo’s taking Keri to the top, Plies is angry like Akon, Hurricane Chris speaks his own language, and Soulja Boy is a momma’s boy.

Let’s get it ratchet!

surfing the charts

Hot shot Kanye’s “Stronger” is ALREADY up to #6 on the Billboard Hot 100, a dramatic airplay gain from #47 last week. He’s easily poised to enter the top 5 in August like I predicted and then some. I would love to see Timba/Kanye at 1 and 2. The “Stronger” video was nominated for the “video of the year” MTV VMA yesterday. Kanye picked up four nods in total including, “Male Artist of the Year.” Lets hope he loses and goes off like he did at the ’06 MTV Europe Music Awards. Awesome. Set your tivos! (sept 9th)

Carrie’s new tune debuted at #20 on the country charts. No doubt it’s going straight to the top. “So Small” combines the true country soul she displayed in “Jesus Take the Wheel,” and the cross-over mass-market appeal of of “Before he cheats” and wraps it up in a message of “love conquers all.” This song is going to be so NOT small. It’s going to be huge, Jordin Sparks huge.

Timba’s “song of the summer” raises one notch to #4 and pushes Sean Kingston’s gf to #5 which brings me great joy. Its all about the small victorys in life.

Sean, however, is still #1. His  second single also debuted well at #23 and his album his stores this week in the top ten. This is wrong on so many levels. It’s like someone proclaiming britney spears is a sane person, that would be a stupid thing to say. Sean’s success is just that, stupid…. Also silly, needless, dumb, wrong, unnecesary…..

*(Sigh)

20-something ladies of America give a collective sigh this week as we pop in our Mean Girls DVDs and reminisce about the good ‘ol days. Remember when Lindsay merely drank recreationally, Britney was “toxic” on the airwaves NOT around her children, and Nicole had a baby bump from rehab instead of pregnancy?

Even the new new young hollywood is a disaster…. Rumer Willis (party-child of Bruce and Demi) was caught in a drug bust this week while working on an Indie flick and Hayden Panettiere (that “Heroes” cheerleader) has been seen in and out of clubs like Les Deux or Teddys only a month before she’s legal (and not even 21 legal, we’re talking barely-old-enough-to-buy-cigarettes 18 legal!)

What can America possibly do to overcome this? How can we all, in our varying states of hollywood depression regain the care-free smiles from watching Season 1 of “The Simple Life,” or our innocent curiosity over pre-Diaz-Biel Timberlake and pre-crazy-mom Spear’s popstar relationship?

4 words………….. High School Musical 2

Seriously, have you ever seen a Zac Efron and Vanessa Anne Hudgens sex-tape? This young couple on-screen and off have made headlines only for holding hands at the beach, not throwing tantrums at Hyde.

How about Ashley Tisdale? She’s 22, (older than Lindsay) and known for her You Tube fan videos and starring role on “The Suite Life of Zach and Cody,” but have you ever seen her mug shot? Of course not, it doesn’t exist yet.

Instead of wrap sheets these mini-moguls have Disney-fied acting chops and recording contracts. In fact the orginal HSM soundtrack has sold over 3.8 million copies since it’s 2006 release, just a few more than Paris’ self-titled debut of 165 thousand. Is it cheesy? Certainly. But after a dose of “We’re Breaking Free,” one can’t help but smile at the romantic simplicity of sharing a duet instead of a joint.

I say stop clicking on those depressing Lilo headlines and join me in counting down to the HSM2 premiere on August 17th. I’ll take Disneyland over Wonderland ANY day.