MUSICmakers: “Spice Up Your Life!”

Spice Girls making “Headlines” again

“Holler!” They’re back! The Spice Girls graced Vancouver, Canada with the first “Stop” in their world reunion tour last Sunday night. Not mere “Wannabe”s the five-sum proved they still got natural talent… or at least natural assets looking fab in Cavalli. Wish I’d gone “2 Become 1″ again with my former fifth grade self! Ginger, Posh, Sporty, Scary, and Baby are coming soon to a city near you! (Unless you live in Seattle…. they’re not coming here)…. so buy a ticket to LA and “Say You’ll Be There!”

On a completely unrelated note, I suddenly have the urge to go to Blockbuster and rent “Spice World.” Ok…. this is “Too Much.”

The former Boy Banders NO ONE cares about

They’re all over gossip columns this week, and I can’t help but not care at all…. Chris Kirkpatrick (‘Nsync) falsettos in two of Blake Lewis’ new songs off of “Audio Day Dream.” That’s two more feature spots than he had on 2001’s “Celebrity” album…… Howie Dorough (BSB) marries longtime sweetheart (Insert name here) in Miami to little, nay, zero fanfare…. Nick Carter (BSB) is fat AGAIN, which I admittedly do find humor in…. Lance Bass (‘Nsync) is on broadway in “Hairspray” which makes A LOT of sense…… and finally Nick Lachey (98 Degrees) is still dating Vanessa “dirty knife Lilo pictures” Minnillo and they somehow grabbed the cover of OK! this week. In other news, OK! magazine has their lowest sales of the year….

6 Nods go to Winehouse….

Screw the six grammy nominations, even if someone physically nodded at her it’s unlikely she could open her eyes and nod back, let alone stay lucid long enough to show up to Kodak Theatre in February. Note to Amy Winehouse, you know you’re in bad shape when your mom pulls a Michael Lohan circa July ‘07 and reaches out to you through an open letter in the tabloids. At the risk of overusing a cliche…. GO GO GO to Rehab!

Supermodel super sucks

Might as well start churning the butter, because Seal is totally whipped! Why else would this Grammy winner be so misguided to let his wife think she has any vocal talent at all? Heidi Klum does two things really well, walk the runway, and say “Auf Wiedersehen” in a cute German accent at the end of her Bravo reality show. Things she sucks at: singing duets at the Victoria Secret fashion show, singing “Santa Baby,” on Victoria Secret commercials, SINGING.

On Sale in Seatown!

Our own Blake Lewis has plans to hit up the Showbox on December 20th!!! Tix go on sale TOMORROW – $15. If you need me next Thursday, I’ll be the girl in the bar with the melted heart. This Idol-addict literally CAN’T WAIT.

Also notably headlining the Showbox this winter is the one and only Mika. He’ll be showing off his Freddie Mercury-esque vocals on Valentine’s Day. If you have a date and they don’t want to take you, well, that’s a deal breaker. Let them down easy before it gets serious. Tix go on sale Dec 15th.

MUSICmakers

Jordin Sparks: “Tattoo” is terrific! Blake Lewis has the pizzaz but the American Idol winner has sure got pipes. The 17 year old released her debut single to radio stations yesterday and it’s simplistically catchy. Reminiscent of “Walk Away,” by Kelly Clarkson Paula Deanda, this harmless debut will likely walk-its-way to the mid-teens of the Hot 100 and stall like its musical predecessor. Love the single, but I think Jordin should go a little more country, and a little less Disney. Although God bless Disney.

Britney Spears: Mousketeer turns comeback kid??? The former queen of pop is slated to release her first single next week since 2005’s “Do Something.” “Gimme More” is up-beat and produced by Timbaland’s right hand man, Nate (Danjahandz) Hills. No word on the quality, but its unlikely even Timbo himself could help this mess. Word is she’ll be singing at the VMAs… And I use the word “sing” loosely. Lets hope she’s at least lucid. (UPDATE! I LOVE THE NEW SONG)

Amy Winehouse: She was seen walking out of a hotel with the hubby displaying bloody wrists, forehead, and ankles last Friday. Still no rehab… Call me Britney crazy but going on “vacation” isn’t going to do the job. The Caribbean may be better than rehab… But so is staying ALIVE. All American performances have been cancelled so she can “heal” on the beach.

Lance Bass: The question is, do we actually care if Lance likes/hates New York? Does it matter if he thinks the Gotham City has no style? YES. New Yorkers to Lance: YOU have no style. New York magazine adds that Lance, “was indeed the worst dancer in ‘Nsync.” Word.

Rihanna: Congratulations! If it’s true you bagged Shia LaBeouf I admit you do have excellent taste in at least one thing. Love Shia, hate Rihanna, BUT, I love Shia more than I hate Rihanna. Wasn’t “Even Stevens” the GREATEST?

Pete Doherty: Is he in jail or rehab? I can’t keep track. Either way, in a month he’ll still be on drugs, will make up/break up with Kate at least twice, and I’ll remain unable to name a single Babyshambles song.

Emmys Go Idol

Watch out Sutherland and Ferrera, you’re about to upstaged by the likes of Timberlake and Winehouse. Variety reports that the 59th annual Primetime Emmys will incorporate (as of yet unnamed) musical performances to celebrate television at its best.

After all, there’s nothing like the new Kanye jam to remind us of classic TV moments like that one scene in “Entourage” when Johnny accidentally sets the Hollywood mayor up with a transvestite. Two words: Emmy worthy.

Furthering the musical trend, Fox has bagged the biggest name in show business to host. I’m not referring to comedic heavyweights like Conan or Ellen, I’m obviously talking about the one and only Ryan. Ryan Seacrest (not a joke).

To be fair he does have hosting experience. Ryan currently leads the morning radio show “On Air with Ryan Seacrest”, “E! News Daily,” “American Idol,” AND is involved in a plethora of other projects including the halftime show of this years Super bowl (not a joke either), and last years Rockin’ New Years Eve. He even finds the time to fly to France for the Longoria/Parker nuptials and frolic on the beach with Teri Hatcher. This ridiculousness leads me toward two theories, that A) He’s a robot, or B) There are secretly three Ryan Secreasts. Honestly is there anything this guy doesn’t do????

Oh yes, that’s right- he doesn’t do comedy.

Ryan is really only good for a Simon quip and Paula jab. We know him for championing Lakisha when Simon’s rudeness goes to far, not delivering a gut-busting monologue. He’s more friendly than funny, sweet than sarcastic, welcoming than witty. Although I concede his self-mocking cameo on this spring’s hit, “Knocked Up,” wasn’t without comedic merit.

So will he succeed, or will we be forced to watch a stale Idol-esque 3 hour telecast that announces its winners “after this break”? Seacrest does acknowledge he’s no standup and suggests that his hosting will be more, “about elevating everyone on their night…. I’m not going to pretend to be something I’m not. I plan to honor the class and the heritage of the Emmy.”

All this talk of “honor” and “heritage” reminds me a little too much of that awful 30 minutes when the president of so-and-so thanks the academy of what’s-it-called, and we all head to the kitchen to make nachos.

If the Emmys lack laughter I for one will honor the triple-fast-forward on my DVR more than the nominees…… unless that transvestite scene pulls out a statue for “Entourage.” I love that Kanye song. It’s catchy.